Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 04:21:29 -0700 From: Julian Elischer <julian@elischer.org> To: archie@freebsd.org, chat@freebsd.org Subject: [Fwd: The truth is told !!!!] Message-ID: <39F41F39.CC9CB97@elischer.org>
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__--_|\ Julian Elischer
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( OZ ) World tour 2000
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Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000 15:00:17 +0800
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From: Clive Richmond <clive@triumph.com.au>
Subject: The truth is told !!!!
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Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For those
with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and
sank in the Artic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to
blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However,
sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much
larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower
within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was
testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very
likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.
While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would
have it, we got a copy of those tapes.
It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows
on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the Unix
operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians
didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows.
The log tapes make this painfully obvious:
Captain: Is new fire control Windows OS installed yet, Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. Just need to finish filling out registration card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon is being able to point and click our enemies into
oblivion.
[evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! Is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run
Windows for first time".
[long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, is wanting me to reboot again. That makes 27th time.
Captain: Hmmm. Is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye, aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, is up again. Is saying it found new hardware... A CD-ROM
drive and that is needing drivers.
Captain: Where are drivers?
Seaman: On CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, right?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot damn thing again. I am starting not to liking this Windows.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! Is back! Is saying it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
looking for device drivers. Do we have driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use default drivers.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! Is wanting to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? Is taking forever.
Our hull is rusting out before this works.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! Is up and this time is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user
profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now is clicking on the fire control icon and
letting us see how this works.
Seaman: Is clicking now, Sir.
[another long pause]
Captain: Why does fire control screen have dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea, Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, is trying clicking on menu.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Is saying: Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire
a Torpedo.
Captain: Is spamming friend later. Is firing torpedo now.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Is asking us to load torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load torpedo in tube number 1!
[intercom:] This is Torpedo room. Torpedo is loaded, Sir.
Captain: Click on continue button.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Is asking for target, Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, is targeting Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! Is saying torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Is firing torpedo, Sir.
[another really long pause]
Captain: Well?
Seaman: Am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait minute....
[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on
intercom]
Captain: WTF was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! New screen has appeared! "Outlook Express Fire Control
has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.
"Click 'OK' to continue."
Seaman: Oh my God! Paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Is shutting it down! Is shutting it down!
Seaman: Is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! Task manager is still operating. I am
instructing task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Task manager is saying that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Well, no shit. Tell it to 'end task.'
Seaman: Is happening nothing, Sir.
Captain: Is trying 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! Is pretty blue screen!
Captain: Holy Shit! Not Blue Screen of Dea....
[KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing
water.]
The tape ends at this point.
During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the
form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The
rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of
their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in Morse code.
The tapes of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.
Where do you want to go today? Bottom of the Arctic Ocean okay with you?
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