Date: Thu, 25 Jun 1998 23:16:21 +0100 From: "Ian O'Friel" <Genius@glasgow.crosswinds.net> To: <Freebsd-newbies@FreeBSD.ORG> Subject: This list is too serious, cheer up........... Message-ID: <004d01bda087$300f9a80$19e107c3@metallica>
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This oughta cheer the list up a bit.............
TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO WAKE UP YOUR SHRINK
10. "Enough about depression, let's talk about my abduction by space
aliens"
9. "Did Luke and Laura find the "Ice Princess" yet?
8. "Wanna go out for some beers?"
7. "I know you didn't ask for one, but I brought you a stool sample."
6. "Boy, that Paxil makes me sleepy, I've had to cut back to one
quart of vodka a day."
5. "I've been getting these intense cravings for human blood, is that
normal?"
4. "You know, that Jeffery Dahmer wasn't such a bad guy."
3. "While I'm here, would you mind having a look at my hemorrhoids?"
2. "Is that a hairpiece?"
And the Number One Thing to Say to Wake Up Your Shrink...
1. "Is that diploma real?"
TOP 10 RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T KEEP IN 1998
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound-in, just to get
another 1.44MB disk.
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my
email.
6. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all
the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear...
I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 6GB hard drive daily... well, once a
week... monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
And the Number One Resolution You Won't Keep in 1998...
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new
Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS
Tech Support."
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password other than "password."
-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
TOP 10 LOONEY 1998 AOL PREDICTIONS
10. AOL will only antagonize 98% of it's customers this year.
9. AOL 4.0 will self destruct and make using AOL virtually
impossible... sorta like it is now only better.
8. Ma Bell will sue AOL for loss of long distance charges with it's
new talking IM feature if they ever get it to work.
7. Steve Case will buy out Prodigy and add a couple more chat rooms
for the overflow.
6. Dr. Kavorkian will be at a LIVE chat this year talking about
living to collect social security!
5. AOL will have the new AOL 4.0 come with a built in busy signal to
make you think you can't log on until you try many times that way
it will be like it always has been for AOL customers.
4. AOL will buy shares in Microsoft Internet Explorer. Now you know
why it's included with AOL software.
3. AOL will get President Clinton to do a live chat in The Bowl...but
the Secret Service will be checking on all screen names in the
audience for typos that could harm his image.
2. Jeff Foxworthy might be an AOLer in 1998 if you see a screen name
online of BeARedNeck
And the Number One Looney 1998 AOL Prediction...
1. David Letterman will leave CBS and have his own Late Night Live
AOL Chat
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE HAVING AN ONLINE AFFAIR
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt
And the Number One Sign Your Spouse May Be Having an Online Affair
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER
10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years
running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.
2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good
Morning, Mr. President."
And the Number One Sign Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker...
1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor
I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
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